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Visiting Richard Carr's Shares (account name: richard)
 
 Humor - Misc
  
 
  • Age and treachery beat youth and skill any time.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
  • In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. ~Dereke Bruce
  • Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf.
  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Grandchildren are God's gift to us for not killing our children
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
  • Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
  • My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
  • "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
  • Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
  • Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
    A. Ruth-less.
  • Ant Eaters are healthy because of all the anti bodies they have
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • A Wife's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my husband, Love to forgive him, and patience for his flaws.  Because Lord, if I pray for strength I might beat him to death, Amen
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
  • Pilot: "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
  • The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
    • "Why is it doing that?"
    • "Where are we?"
    • "Oh Sh*T!"

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash withWylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.  Enjoy the following:

  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
  • There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.  The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and alot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

  • Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
  • I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
  • One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
  • Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
  • Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf.
  • If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end (ass) are interchangeable."

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 
 
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around  looking for valuables.

He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:

'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.

When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically.

Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.  

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

Moses,' replied the bird.

Moses?' the burglar laughed.. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

"The kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

 
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work !)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

4. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

5. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.  IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.


Larry's Proverbs

1.   A day without sunshine is like night.
2.   On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3.   42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4.   99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5.   Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6.   He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7.   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8..   The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9.    Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10.   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11.   Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12.   If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13.   How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14.   OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15.   When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16.   Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17.   How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18.   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19.   What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20.   Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21.   Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'
22.   Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23.   Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24.   Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.









Creation date: Jul 12, 2004 5:00 pm     Last modified date: Feb 7, 2011 9:18 pm   Last visit date: Aug 3, 2016 4:07 am     link & embed ?...
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